#the instant bond you can feel when you find another queer person out in the wild while you only have straight people around

[bimoonphases]

@wolfstarmicrofic September 15 - prompt 15: DADA Class [word count 508]

“Hurry up and get in pairs, one boy and one girl please!”

Marlene sighed as she dropped the two volumes on Kappas on the desk and sat down. By her side, Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Why can’t we just be with the same gender,” he grumbled, taking a fresh roll of parchment out. “No offense, McKinnon.”

“None taken, Black. As long as you get us both a good grade on this essay.”

“Please,” Sirius smirked. “You know I live at the top of the class.”

“Yeah, along with Lupin, Potter and Lily.”

“I love switching places.”

“Come on ladies and gentlemen, get to work,” the Professor clapped her hands. “You have two hours starting now.”

They were barely through their introduction, Sirius putting the calligraphy that had been drilled into him since he had started writing to good use when a whacking sound made them both raise their heads from their books. To their right, James was looking down, a red bruise blooming already on his cheek while Lily was putting a heavy book back on the desk, her green eyes blazing with anger.

“Of the dangers of mixing sexes,” Marlene rolled her eyes, wondering what new obnoxious thing Lily would later on tell her and Mary James had said.

“Leave us with our peers and no one gets hurt,” Sirius sighed.

But when she turned to look at him, he wasn’t looking at James and Lily. His gaze was focused one desk over, to where Mary was pointing at a page while Remus nodded. To be more precise, Marlene mused, Sirius’s gaze was fixed on Remus, as if he didn’t want to miss any movement the other boy made, be it a bare flutter of eyelashes. And there was something, there in Sirius’s eyes, something so tender and so sad at the same time. Something Marlene recognised instantly, something she had seen quite often while looking at herself in the mirror. Marlene hadn’t told anyone, despite the number of times either Lily or Mary had had to nudge her back to reality when she got lost looking at Dorcas Meadowes across the Great Hall. She had a hunch her friends knew but she still hadn’t said the words out loud. She didn’t know if she was ready for that. She didn’t know if she would ever be. But this, this was different. This was a pull she couldn’t ignore, and didn’t want to, like finding a long-lost brother again when you didn’t have any hope left.

Sirius finally looked away from Remus and back at her desk and at her, catching her looking at him. He blushed slightly, his hand already moving in a dismissing manner. Marlene didn’t stop to think, the words coming out of her mind as the easiest thing on Earth.

“You too?” she whispered.

Sirius stared at her, then slowly nodded. They smiled to each other, a new form of relief washing over their faces.

They didn’t get a good grade on their essay. They didn’t care, not really. They weren’t alone anymore.

[tousakamis]

i think one of my main issues w #that st ship (in a romantic context anyway) is just how much it reminds me of my own experiences with romance.

im an aroace person and i, too, dated people who i was close with, who Everyone said "oh, you must like them romantically bc you're close, right?". a lot of people bring up heteronormative pressure but i don't think enough people consider the amatonormative pressure as well.

like... the way i personally see mike, i think he mixed up platonic attraction with romantic attraction, because Everybody was telling him it had to be that way. so at first he maybe really did think he liked her romantically - then, as things shifted and he began to face more internal issues, it became more of a desperation to force himself. like "oh, we're in a romantic relationship. she likes me romantically. i HAVE to like her romantically too." and when you consider his undeniable queer coding.... romantic and hetero norms are so deeply intertwined, you're expected to like people romantically. it's the way a boy and a girl will be friends and the instant assumption is romantic chemistry - it's that undeniable overlap that makes a lot of queer youth feel almost obligated to date (esp someone of the opposite gender), often before they discover themselves.

like! i really think they would be so much better as best friends. you can Love somebody, you can wholeheartedly adore them... that doesn't mean romantic love. i don't deny that they really love each other - but sometimes, when you love somebody, you almost feel forced to be in love with them, especially if they're of the opposite gender. it gets to the point that expressing that love, because of the romantic nature, can feel really unnerving; mike is fine being affectionate with her when it's not romantic, such as sharing the bike, but when they're doing it in a romantic context, he looks... baffled, almost disgusted. like i get you, boy!! no matter how much you love/care about someone, knowing the affection comes from a romantic nature when you Don't feel that way is so uncomfortable (especially as he may be not attracted to girls at all - double whammy of societal norms!).

i hate how some people act like these character's only have worth if they're romantically bound to another.

like, yes, i do have my own ships w these characters. ultimately my main want for these two is for people to recognise they exist beyond their current romantic relationship.

for mike? he becomes more of his own person in wills company, their platonic bond is so unbelievably strong and it's one of my absolute favourite dynamics ive ever seen. in fact, it made me really sad watching mike sideline his bond with will, though i know that's somewhat due to his internalised homophobia. but mike and will bring out the best in each other - they're best friends who just so happen to be in love with each other. they're already each others happy endings, regardless of whether it's platonic or romantic. in fact im Rooting for their romantic happy ending bc to me, that would be the biggest "fuck you" to amatonormativity and heteronormativity in one fell swoop!

as for el? she's already moving towards individuality, she's already trying to define her worth beyond her romantic affairs. this is why her bond with max is so so beautiful - max actively tells her "there's more to life than stupid boys" in S3, reminding her that she's more than a romantic relationship, and max encourages her to find herself. id say max is one of the best things to happen to el and they truly love eachother, which is further proven by her desperation to save max in S4. imo, el has begun to prioritize platonic and familial relationships As well as herself. idk why ppl think her romantic relationship falling apart is gonna ruin and destroy her. she's more than mikes gf 💔

but yeah. TL;DR #that ship in a romantic context feels Very amatonormative to me and some fan responses further this. i love the dynamic in a platonic sense more than ANYTHING (like. genuinely please feel free to talk to me about it) so please don't think i don't recognize their love for each other. but, as per the dictionary definition - loving somebody ≠ romantic love!!

(i do apologize if none of this makes sense btw 😭 but i hope at least some people get what i mean, please feel free to add things or correct me on some things)

[letterboxd]

Survival Mode.

In ten recent coming-of-age films, Ella Kemp finds the genre thriving—and looking very different than the 1980s might have predicted. Film directors and Letterboxd members weigh in on the specific satisfactions of the genre, especially in a pandemic.

There have been jokes, some more serious than others, about the art that will come out of this time. How many novels about a fast-spreading disease are you betting on? Will Covid-19 be better suited to documentary or fiction? But the art I’m most looking forward to, and revisiting now, is the art made about teenagers going through it.

Physical school attendance, so central to the John Hughes movies of the 1980s, is up in the air for so many. Sports practice, theater clubs, mall hang-outs; the familiar neighborhood beats of a teenager’s life are more confined than ever. All of us have had to tweak our reality to make the best of invasive changes forced upon us during the pandemic. In a sense, it feels like we are all coming of age.

Teenagehood, though, is a particularly tricky time of transition, and we don’t yet know the half of how the pandemic is going to impact today’s young adults—and, by association, tomorrow’s coming-of-age films. But in the last two years alone there have been enough brave new entries in the genre, about young people so enlivening, that there’s both plenty for young film lovers to lose themselves in, and plenty for us slightly older folks to watch and learn from.

So I sought out ten recent coming-of-age films (and several of the directors responsible) to see what these stories teach us about teenagers, and how we might empathize with them. The list—Jezebel, Beats, Zombi Child, Blinded by the Light, Selah and the Spades, The Half of It, Dating Amber, Babyteeth, House of Hummingbird and We Are Little Zombies—is by no means exhaustive. But it allows us to look at several things.

Firstly, that the genre is thriving, considering these titles barely scratch the surface. Secondly, these ten films look a whole lot different than their 1980s counterparts. Six are directed by women. Four tell queer stories or, at least, feature queer characters in a prominent subplot. Seven tell stories about Black people, Asian people, Pakistani people. Only three are from the US.

And: they’re really good. They understand teenagers as angry, energetic, passionate, confused, desperate and deeply intelligent beings, echoing the nuances that we know to be true in real life, but that can often get watered down on the screen.

Blinded by the Light (co-written and directed by Gurinder Chadha) We Are Little Zombies (written and directed by Makoto Nagahisa) Beats (co-written and directed by Brian Welsh)

The protagonists in these first three films use music to feel their way through panic, brought on by both internal and external circumstances. Screaming another’s lyrics, furiously composing their own anthems, dancing along and sweating out their fear to the beat, the ongoing beat, and nothing more. It’s salvation, it’s release—when you’re left with your own thoughts, the only way to fight through them is to drown them out.

Music acts as a source of enlightenment in Blinded by the Light, directed by Gurinder Chadha (who made 2002’s coming-of-age sports banger Bend it Like Beckham). In Thatcher’s Britain, Pakistani-English Muslim high schooler Javed discovers the music of Bruce Springsteen, and his world bursts wide open. The wisdom and fire of the Boss helps Javed to make sense of his own frustrations; that the film is based on a real journalist’s autobiography makes it all the more potent.

Meanwhile, in Beats, a real-life law enacted in Scotland in the 1990s temporarily banned raves: specifically, the gathering of people around music “wholly or predominantly characterized by the emission of a succession of repetitive beats”. As the UK struggles to contain a youthful, exuberant new counter-culture, the central characters face what it means to enter adulthood. The answer to both: a forbidden rave.

“I have to say, there’s probably no such thing as teenagers without complicated emotions,” We Are Little Zombies writer-director Makoto Nagahisa tells me. The Japanese filmmaker—who loves the genre, known as ‘Seishun eiga’ in Japan—wrestles with the frustration and hopelessness of the world by giving his film’s four orphaned teens the tools, and the permission, to find solace in something other than their everyday life. Following the deaths of their parents, the quartet create their own catchy, cathartic, truth-bomb music; it’s an instant hit with kids across Japan, but the adults miss the point, of course—that the cacophony of superstardom is filling the silence of their mourning.

Nagahisa-san’s film is named after a fictional 8-bit Nintendo Game Boy game that the main character is addicted to. “I used to get through my day relatively painlessly by pretending I was a video game character whenever bad shit happened to me,” he explains. Teenagers “are constantly feeling crushed by reality right now… I want them to know that this is a valid way to escape reality. That reality is just a ‘game’. I want them to know they don’t need to face tragedies, they can just survive. That’s the most important thing!” Who else needed to hear that right now?

Jezebel (written and directed by Numa Perrier) Zombi Child (written and directed by Bertrand Bonello) Selah and the Spades (written and directed by Tayarisha Poe) House of Hummingbird (written and directed by Kim Bo-ra)

Our next four films turn to technology, mythology, hierarchy and education to animate their protagonists’ lives with a greater purpose. In Jezebel, nineteen-year-old Tiffany finds her way through mourning with a new job, earning money as a cam girl and subsequently developing a bond with one of her clients. There’s a magnetic aura, one that harnesses grief and turns it into something more corrosive as this teen puts all her energy into it. Similarly there’s mysticism in the air in Zombi Child, in which Haitian voodoo gives a bored, heartbroken teenage girl a new purpose as she searches for a way to connect with the one she lost—and with herself.

Selah and the Spades and House of Hummingbird understand the third-party saviour as more of a structure, that of a school or an inspiring teacher. Selah finds herself by doing business selling recreational drugs to her classmates in a faction-led boarding school. Nothing mends a sense of aimlessness like power. This same framework lets Hummingbird’s Eun-hee, a schoolgirl in mid-90s South Korea whose abusive family invest their academic focus in her useless brother, search for love and find connection in her school books—and from the person who’s asking her to read them.

The films on this list are not perfect; some might be criticized for specifically following a formula, the tropes of the coming-of-age film, a little too well. Jezebel lets its protagonist rise and fall with familiarity, while Selah suffers the consequences of her extreme actions, and even Eun-hee reckons with a few recognizable pitfalls. But still, the fact that these films exist is “innately radical”, says Irish writer-director David Freyne, whose queer Irish comedy Dating Amber is covered below. The filmmaker describes the coming-of-age genre as mainstream, but in the best possible sense: “It’s a broadly appealing film,” he says.

This is why, to see these stories reframed with minority voices, with queer voices, is so quietly revolutionary. “The more you see them, the more broadly we see them being enjoyed—the more producers and financiers will realize these stories don’t have to be niche just because they happen to frame a minority voice. Everyone can enjoy it.”

Film journalist and Letterboxd member Iana Murray, a coming-of-age genre fan, echoes Freyne’s thoughts. “Representation is absolutely not the be-all end-all, but I’d love to see more coming-of-age films that reflect my experiences growing up as a woman of color,” she says, before introducing what I’d like to call the Rashomon Effect. “I see it as like one of those films that tell the same events from different perspectives, something like Rashomon or Right Now, Wrong Then,” she explains. “A story becomes even more vibrant when told through a different set of eyes, and that’s what happens when you allow women, people of color, and LGBT people to create coming-of-age narratives.”

Dating Amber (written and directed by David Freyne) The Half of It (written and directed by Alice Wu) Babyteeth (directed by Shannon Murphy, written by Rita Kalnejais)

Which brings us on nicely to our last three: wildly different titles, each with young protagonists at war with themselves, trying to make sense of their bodies and minds as best they can. In this context, companionship is everything. Finding a platonic soulmate in Dating Amber, a sexual awakening in The Half of It, a first love to make a short life worth living in Babyteeth. Each film is directed with a verve and passion that you know must be personal.

The story of a frustrated boy in the closet in Dating Amber aches with care from Freyne behind the camera, while Alice Wu directs Ellie Chu, the main character in The Half Of It, with patience and the kind of encouragement that quiet girls who live a life between two cultures are rarely given. And with Babyteeth, Shannon Murphy returns Australian cinema firmly to the center of the movie map, with a quintessentially Australian optimism and sense of humor, which Ben Mendelsohn called “delightfully bent”.

These perspectives are specific to each teen, but the intensity transcends genres and borders. It manifests musically, verbally, visually, aesthetically. These teens connect with their favorite music and means of entertainment, but also simply to their favorite clothes and accessories—blue bikinis and green wigs, red neck-scarves and floaty white dresses. These details give the characters ways to reinvent themselves while standing still, which certainly feels apt for a life lived, for now, at home.

‘Pretty in Pink’ (1986), written by John Hughes and directed by Howard Deutch.

Many argue that the coming-of-age genre peaked with John Hughes, who defined the framework in iconic 1980s films that have his stamp all over them, whether he wrote (Pretty in Pink, Some Kind of Wonderful) or also directed them (The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Sixteen Candles). Hughes’ world view was of a specifically suburban, white, American corner of the world, which he filled with misfits and ultra-hip soundtracks. “John Hughes was to the genre what The Beatles are to rock and roll,” confirms Letterboxd member Brad, maintainer of the essential coming-of-age movie list Teenage Wasteland.

After Hughes, the genre tumbled, Dazed and Confused, into the 1990s—notable voices include John Singleton with his seminal Boyz n the Hood, and Gus Van Sant’s My Own Private Idaho and Good Will Hunting. This was also the decade of Clueless, which informed the bright, female-forward fare of the 2000s, like Mean Girls, The Princess Diaries and the aforementioned Bend it Like Beckham. The last decade has seen new American storytellers step into Hughes’ shoes, including Greta Gerwig (Lady Bird and Little Women), Olivia Wilde and the writers of Booksmart, and the autobiographical voices of Jonah Hill (mid90s) and Shia LaBeouf (Honey Boy, directed by Alma Har’el).

It’s interesting to note—whether it’s the 1860s or the 1980s—that many coming-of-agers from the past decade take place in an earlier period setting. Social media has demanded the upheaval of entire lives, but it seems some filmmakers aren’t yet ready to grapple with its place on screen.

The audience, on the other hand, is far more adaptable. The way we’re watching coming-of-age films has shifted, and it’s more appropriate for the genre than we could have imagined. On the last day of shooting Dating Amber, Freyne recalls one of the young actors asking, “So, is this going to be on Netflix or something?” This is when cinemas were still open.

“That’s often how younger people are devouring content now,” Freyne reasons. His film, in the end, was snapped up by Amazon (a US release date is yet to be announced). “It’s creating a communal experience with the intersection of social media: live streams, fan art, daily messages… It’s made us feel incredibly connected, moreso than I think we would have got with a cinematic release.”

Streaming platforms also cater to one key habit of a younger film lover: the rewatch. The iconic teen films of the 80s embedded their reputations thanks to the eternal allure of the Friday night video store ritual, and constant television replays. These days, it’s only with a film finding a home on Netflix, on Amazon or on Hulu, that a younger person (or, in times of global crisis, any person) can both financially and logistically afford to devote themselves to watching, again and again, these people onscreen that they’ve immediately and irrevocably found a connection with.

It’s always felt hard to be satisfied with just one viewing of a perfect coming-of-age film—observe how many times Iana Murray has logged Call Me By Your Name. What is it about the slippery, universal allure of the genre? It’s possibly as simple as the feeling of being seen in the fog of intergenerational confusion. Says Nagahisa-san: “Grown-ups think of teenagers like zombies. Teenagers think of grown-ups like zombies. We’re never able to understand what others are feeling inside.”

“The reaction is always emotive rather than intellectual,” adds Freyne. “There’s something quite visceral and instinctive about coming-of-age films; it’s an emotional experience rather than an analytical one.” That emotional experience is tied up in the fact that we often experience coming-of-age movies just as we ourselves are coming of age, establishing an unbreakable connection between a film and a specific period in our lives. MovieMaestro Brad explains it best: “There is a bit of nostalgia in a lot of these films that take me back to my younger days, when life was simple.”

But that’s not to say only those coming of age can appreciate a coming-of-age film. On her favorite coming-of-age film, Mike Mills’ 20th Century Women, Murray explains, “It doesn’t see coming-of-age as exclusive to teenagers, because that process of growth is really about transition and change.” (In a similar vein, Kris Rey’s new comedy I Used to Go Here, in select theaters and on demand August 7, meets Kate Conklin, played by Gillian Jacobs, in a sort of quarter-life-crisis, needing to grow down a bit in order to grow up.)

Natalia Dyer in ‘Yes, God, Yes’ (2019), directed by Karen Maine.

There is endless praise, conflict and wonder to be found in the ten films mentioned above—and all the ones we haven’t even gone near (Karen Maine’s orgasmic religious comedy Yes, God, Yes, now available on demand in the US, deserves an honorary mention, as does Get Duked!, Ninian Doff’s upcoming stoner romp in the Scottish Highlands). The thing about this genre is it’s raw, it’s alive, and it’s always in transition. Just when you might think it’s gone out of fashion, it emerges in a new and fascinating form. And yet, there are still so many filmmakers who haven’t tackled the genre. I asked my interviewees who they’d like to see take on a story of teens in transition.

“I’d love to see Tarantino’s take on a coming-of-age tale,” says master of the genre himself, MovieMaestro/Brad. Murray gives her vote to Lulu Wang, saying, “I love the specificity she brought to The Farewell, I think it would transfer well to a genre that needs to escape clichés.” Freyne, meanwhile, wants to see if Ari Aster might have another story about young people in him. Maybe something a bit less lethal next time.

Ultimately, “you write from empathy, not from experience,” says Freyne. I think the same goes for watching, too. It won’t be tomorrow, and it might not be this year, but eventually, the world will emerge from Covid-19. What will we have learned from the films that we watched while we were waiting? From the sadness, the angst, the determination, the rage and the passion?

Nagahisa-san already knows, and his advice is everything we need right now: “You don’t need others’ approval of who you are, as long as you understand and approve of yourself. Do whatever pops up in your mind. Live your life without fear or despair. Just survive.”

Related content

See where most of the recent releases mentioned here are virtually screening, in our Art House Online list.

Shannon Murphy talks to us about Babyteeth, and shares a list of her favorite Australian films.

Makoto Nagahisa’s 25 favorite teen movies

David Freyne’s 25 favorite LGBTQIA+ films

Growing Pains: The Ultimate Coming of Age Movie Challenge

(Happy) Queer Coming of Age Movies

Coming of age—but make it diverse

[raeynbowboi]

My Opinions of She-Ra Ships

So, I just finished watching season 1 of She-Ra and the Princesses of Power. It was definitely very very very queer, and overall I’d say I liked it. With that said, as with any new fanbase, a new slew of ships have popped up, and I figured I would give my personal opinion on the main ones I saw.

Catradora/Catadora

I really like the realtionship between these two characters. I really don’t mind if they date or remain frenemies, I think they work wonderfully off one another. I wouldn’t be opposed to them becoming a couple toward the end of the series when Catra and Adora make up. But, if they never get together, I wouldn’t feel cheated. Though you do have to admit, there is some heavy flirty undertones to their dynamic, but part of that does come from being best friends. Out of all of Adora’s possible ships, this one feels the most likely to me.

Glimmadora/Glimadora

I’m okay with this as a ship. A big problem I find when it comes to lesbian ships is that women are a lot more physically intimate and affectionate with their friends, so it can be a bit harder to tell flirtation and romance from just a really strong platonic bond. So far, while I’ve seen some romantic undertones, it hasn’t felt like there was anything direct enough to say that I fully ship it or that I see it as a likely outcome. However, since she’s Adora’s second closest female companion, she certainly has a lot of seasons to get out of the friend zone.

Perfumadora

So far, the only character to show direct, outright attraction, or at least admiration for She-Ra/Adora. It’s difficult to say at the moment if she’s attracted to Adora or only to She-Ra, but there was definitely some crush elements done when she saw She-Ra for the first time. Only time will tell whether this lesbian (or at least, girl loving) character will win the protagonist’s heart. Another potentially interesting element of this ship is that if Perfuma was actually more attracted to She-Ra than Adora, I could see this ship being used to explore lessons of finding someone who loves you for who you really are, not some idealized version of yourself, or some other lesson like that, which is always a good lesson to teach kids. Plus, out of all the Princesses of Power, she has the most Princess Classic archetypal aesthetic, so she creates the Knight and Damsel trope with Adora better than the other princesses. So, if Catradora was not the endgame ship, and if this relationship wasn’t toxic, I think this would be my second favorite shipping option for Adora.

Glimbow

Well, just so long as it’s as a BrOTP or a Friend!Ship, I don’t mind this pairing, but the instant I saw Bow I could tell he was coded gay. No doubt in my mind. So the idea of these two becoming a couple just feels wrong and off-putting. Besides, boys and girls should be allowed to be close best friends without any romantic tension needing to exist between them. But that’s also my reading of the character, so the fact that I read him as gay does color my opinion of him being shipped with female characters.

Seamista/Merhawk

To be honest, I’m just not much of a fan. While one could draw a parallel to Kiribaku with the happy dope pining after the grumpy aloof person, Mermista really lacks Bakugou’s depth and redeeming features, coming off as just a rather one-note sourball. Meanwhile, Seahawk lacks the endearing charm of Kirishima that makes Kiribaku work so well, making him come off more as annoying and intrusive, unlike Kirishima, whose invasion of Bakugou’s bubble feels more like a natural extension of his friendly nature. So it just feels like a clash of two tropes thrown together more as a comedic bit rather than a proper ship. There’s also the fact that since i read Bow as gay, and there’s only like... 6 male characters with names, and one is a horse and another is the main bad guy, any pairing that robs Bow of a potential male love interest is not going to catch my interest.

Bowhawk/Seabow

Speaking of, this is my primary OTP for the series on the grounds that... there’s not really any other option if I want a cute gay couple. Plus they do have chemistry, it’s not just me scrounging for whatever scraps I can manage to find. There is something there which points to flirtatious elements to their dynamic. Considering they’re the only two male characters who are both humanoid and not part of the Horde, it’s safe to bet that unless Bow is planned to end up with Kyle that this is the most likely gay pairing.

Byle/Boyle (Bow x Kyle)

Out of all the other Horde characters, Kyle screams turncoat character the most. Especially considering I don’t think any of the other cadets even had their names said, and he had his said multiple times, which sort of boosts his relevancy within the story. So, there was some romantic coding between these two toward the end of season 1, and I suppose if Kyle did betray the Horde, he might make for a decent match with Bow, but that’s really going to depend on their relationship and how it builds from here. Right now, I’m still more on the Bowhawk train, but I’m open to this ship so long as it’s well-written. And hey, if this ship becomes canon, I won’t care as much about Mermista and Seahawk being a thing. I just want some guy on guy romance. I also lean toward Byle for the ship name, simply because Boyle is an actual surname and will muddy search results.

Scorpcatra

The relationship between Catra and Scorpio is definitely interesting. I could see them becoming best friends, I could see her just being Catra’s funny sidekick, or I could see Catra forming an emotional attachment to her and wanting to protect her. This is another pairing where if it became canon, I wouldn’t complain, but I’d also react the same way if it didn’t happen. Granted, it’s only been one season, we’ll have to see where the romantic arcs take us.

Encatra

Honestly, you could tell me that Entrapa and Catra become a BrOTP, an OTP, an OT3 with Scorpia, or a BrOT3, and I’d believe any of those claims. She doesn’t seem to be particularly interested in relationships, but we haven’t seen much of her yet either. Only time will really tell if Entrapa even feels romantic or sexual attraction, but no matter how her relationship with Catra and Scorpia evolves, I’d be okay with any end result.

Spinetossa

So far, this is the only ship with any solid credibility thus far. I mean, they’re practically hanging off each other 24/7. If they aren’t wives already, they’re clearly at least dating. I’d be surprised if they ended up just being sisters, but they’re the only ship thusfar with canonical backing as far as I can see. Everything else is pretty much still speculative at this point.

Kygelio (Kyle x Rogelio)

If you were unaware of this ship, I don’t blame you. I only learned of its existence while making this post. The lizard guy’s name was never even given, that I know of. However, Rogelio is shown taking care of, carrying, and supporting Kyle a lot in the background. Considering Kyle’s weak will and seemingly low self-esteem and self-worth, it’s hard to tell if this is just a very close, supportive, and protective friendship or if there’s a romantic element. Considering I don’t even think Rogelio spoke at all this season, it’s hard to say. However, considering they’re 2 of the only 6 named male characters, I wouldn’t dream of ignoring the shipping potential in them.

[theexistentiallyqueer]

Sorry to bother, but where do autistic and adhd brains overlap? Because both are neurodivergent (and beautiful, I agree) But how can I find out which behaviour belongs more to me being autistic (got diagnosed this year) and which is adhd? (No Matter What Deadline, after several years in hostile environment (failed university, then call center work) I panic. Hard.) How do I disentangle adhd and autism to find out what strategies to use to function better?

Please don’t feel like you’re being a bother, because you’re not! Honestly the fact that someone is coming to me to ask ADHD questions makes me teary-eyed, because I’ve fought so hard to learn to function with ADHD that people Asking Me Things like I’m a trusted expert just makes my heart grow three sizes, the opposite of the Grinch.

I’m probably not the best person to ask about how ADHD and autism overlap specifically, especially if you’re taking this from an autistic POV. And I’m also not a behavioral expert, which is a very strong preface. But I can (and am very happy to) talk a bit about my experiences with ADHD and how I’ve learned to make things work for my brain.

I’m going to put this under a cut, if that’s okay with you, anon. It got kind of long and I don’t want to overrun anyone’s dash. And you can always, always ask me ADHD questions, and I’ll try my best to answer.

My ADHD tends to manifest specifically in the following ways:

Extreme hyperfixation that has its own varying degrees (e.g., I’m really into Fire Emblem: Three Houses, but I have so lack of interest in Byleth/Claude that my lack of interest feels like an actual void)

An inability to process feelings regarding things other people care strongly about that I don’t. If we’re using the same fandom example: I could rant forever about how Byleth/Edelgard gives me ALL THE FEELS, but if I friend I care about started to talk about Byleth/Claude, I would immediately lose all interest in the conversation and struggle to react in a way that doesn’t present me as a selfish monster who doesn’t care about the person I’m talking to.

I tend to monopolize conversation if I’m given the opportunity because I LOVE getting the chance to talk about my hyperfixations. If someone cuts me off when I’m really into a topic, I get incredibly irritated and have to try to restrain from myself from acting petty in response. The number of times I have smiled my mouth is a knife and said, “ANYWAY, as I WAS SAYING…” is beyond count.

I don’t recognize or remember people until I have something meaningful to associate them with. I also don’t tend to notice things that don’t clock themselves as Important in my brain. I usually describe this as “background furniture.” Even PEOPLE become background furniture. A girl I work with mentioned a person on her team had quit, and I’d literally walked by that person’s desk earlier that day and didn’t notice it was empty, because that person and the entire space they occupied was background scenery.

If something affects or touches me personally, it hits me Very Personally. I had a complete fucking breakdown watching the video of Philando Castille’s shooting, because I heard his daughter crying while she watched him getting shot and went down onto a spiral of personal loss over my own father to gun violence and started to immediately correlate the two. Separating ADHD brainness from my  whiteness is complex and hard and (said sarcastically) so, so much fun.

The direct inverse of that are things like: I’m talking to my mom, who’s telling me about a high school friend of hers just got into a horrific vehicle accident and is in the ICU. My mom then goes on to give me regular status updates on this woman I don’t know. I get out of work, and she talks about this woman’s surgery. I get out of work, and she talks about this woman’s family’s attempt to find an adequate rehab center. They find a rehab center, and my mom shows me how her friend decorated her daughter’s room. My mom shows me a video of the girl working with a physical therapist, who gets her to push herself upright with a walker and take her tentative steps. “Awesome!” my brain thinks. “Great!” my brain thinks. All of it spans over several days, weeks, months. I have nothing to do with this constant influx of information. I don’t know how my brain should file it. I don’t know this woman who was injured. I feel for her in theory because no one should ever have to go through that even though so many people do, but I haven’t ACTIVELY PRETEND like I personally am invested in the situation or else my mother gives me Concerned Eyes because I seem to be In A Bad Mood Today.

When it comes to organization, I tend to lean towards hyper-organization rather than hypo-organization. By which I mean I over-organize to combat the fact that ADHD often results in disorganization, and disorganization results in chaos, and chaos gives me COMPLETE PANIC ATTACKS. At work at one point, I had my emails auto-tagging every incoming email based on the email type, on top of tagging for my clients. Every label had a different color, and it all made sense to me, because I’d made it. When my team had cover my stuff on a day I was out, my inbox was such a horror show that it left them feeling drained and distressed.

Let’s talk about socialization! I have a rocky relationship with my childhood best friend. When I discovered social justice in college, I started picking fights with everyone over everything Problematique. The first major fight I had with my best friend at the time was because she felt I was over-aggressive towards a mutual male friend of ours. She was probably right, because I know the kind of bullying behavior I later developed. I thought I learned from it. After the 2016 election, I messaged her on FB, thinking I had a sympathetic ear, to say that seeing her mother post constant messages of support for Trump and sharing stuff dismissing Trump’s sexual assault allegations was particularly hurtful considering I’d told my friend that my mom had been sexually assaulted.. I’m not going to share what she said, but she wasn’t in the wrong. We didn’t talk for several months after that.

Speaking of her! When she started dating the guy she’s now married to, at one point I asked her if they’d had sex yet. I asked it because I thought it was a thing you were Supposed To Talk About as friends, and also because I was, in a way, morbidly curious, because I’m grey-ace and queer. She confirmed that they had, but I still felt so icky and uncomfortable about that for so long afterwards. It was only after I started to understand that I’m not cis and not allo that I really understood why: I was forcing myself to perform what I thought female friendship was based on how it’s portrayed in media, and it’s only once I began to understand that I’m on the ace spectrum and that I’m nonbinary that I really started to understand how forced mainstream conversations of attraction are.

I’m loud! I’m loud! I’m loud! I’m loud all the time! I live with my mom and I socialize with my mom and when we’re in public spaces and I’m talking about something that interests me, she always, always, always feels like she has to shush me. What makes it ironic? If there are other people being loud around me, I can’t function. I can’t process the noise. It’s EVEN WORSE if they’re speaking in another language, because if it’s English I can process the words at least, but if it’s another language, it’s just pure, inescapable sound that I know has meaning but can’t intuit, and if I can’t understand something, that’s as bad as dying.

From what I’ve read about autism, here are ways I THINK my ADHD traits overlap with autistic traits:

I can’t read facial expressions. I think I have a better concept of emotional nuance in facial expressions than someone who’s strictly autistic, but I’ll still panic when I see a smile that isn’t bland enough. RDS (rejection-sensitive dysphoria) will kick in. They hate me, they hate me, they hate me, is the track my brain will play on repeat until I’ve drunk myself into oblivion. Whenever someone smiles, I mistrust it immediately.

Eye contact is incredibly fucking frustrating. I understand that it’s expected, but it’s SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Why do we need to stare into each other’s eyes to understand one another? How can you people write whole treatises on the sanctity of locking gazes and finding an instant intellectual bond without realizing that eye contact that’s not called for is personally invasive?

I can’t understand flirting vs not flirting to the point that I’m absolutely paranoid someone is flirting with me, at which point I usually become hostile if I think they ARE, because DON’T FLIRT WITH ME. TALK to me!

I hate, hate, hate unsolicited physical contact. If I’m in a state of over-expression, I hate it even more. I’m not physically withdrawn, because I love hugs, and cuddles, and human touch. But when I’ve spent the entire day listening to other people talk and I have to walk into a room where people continue to talk, if someone touches me, it’s fucking No-Oh-One.

Someone is interested in a thing I’m interested in. We’ll use Persona 5 as the concept, because this honestly happened recently. I talk with the guy whose desk is across from mine about Persona 5 all the time. He’s also excited about Royal. I started going into my Sophia theory that I’ve really only lobbied at @softspokensansa. I could see, I could viscerally see, the interest drain from his expression. BUT I HAVE AN IDEA SO I WILL TALK ABOUT IT ANYWAY, and then afterwards I felt incredibly resentful that I was being filtered through a cookie-cutter drain.

It’s painful–it’s really painful!–to try to talk about my spiritual ideas with other people. I have a side blog I just started and am preppy myself to share, and I’m absofuckinglutely TERRIFIED everyone is going to write me off without looking at what I have to say. IT’S THE RSD AGAIN! Nothing I ever said has actually mattered before, so why should it now?

I feel, constantly, like I’m halfway between a point of reality and a point of something. What that something is is indefinable, but regardless of it, I exist.

I’d like to direct you to two very positive youtubers I know; I meant to do this earlier, but now feels right in terms of how I’ve written: How To ADHD and Amethyst Schaber.I credit both of them in helping me find a safe place with ADHD before diagnosis. There are stories other than yours that matter.

I wish you the best, anon! If you think you’re autistic and ADHD: given the comorbidity between the two, you probably are! And ADHD is just as beautiful, complicated, and misunderstood as autism is.

If anyone reading this can speak to living as both autistic and ADHD, please respond so I can lift your voice. And to my anon: you’re beautiful completely. I hope my story has helped you in its anyway, and I hope that you find yourself at a place of peace. It’s a struggle to get there, but it’s worth it, every step of the way.

[astranauticus]

Goddammit @onceuponanaromantic

On today’s edition of ‘Blue and Syl’s disaster AUs’, 

｡+ﾟ.。+ NORMAL CHILDHOOD TUA ｡+ﾟ.。+

General info

They all go to the same high school 

No-siblings AU except Ben and Klaus are still brothers bc I’m not splitting up my boys

Disaster ensues

Also warning I have no idea how American schools work and I go to a girls’ school and it kinda shows

Luther

School jock and you know it

probably into like. football or some shit. like the american one where body slamming is involved

Girls think he’s hot but god does he not know how to talk to girls

May or may not be dating Allison. nobody knows

Is secretly really into astronomy but shhhhh can’t have anyone thinking he’s *gasp*, a nerd

Allison

A queen

Idk how the whole popularity thing they always do in American TV works but you get the idea. She’s popular.

Probably doesn’t have as much control over her rumours so it’s more like. sometimes she suggests to teachers that they give her an extension on assignments and stuff and it works like, 70% of the time. she just assumes she’s really lucky

Sometimes she does the same thing to students when she gets frustrated enough

Darling of the theatre club

Perpetually jealous of Klaus’ makeup

Five

Insanely smart

In the science club and judges everyone

‘im judging you but not saying anything but the look on my face says you’re Wrong'

Simply doesn’t understand that other people aren’t as smart as he is like ‘why are all of you so stupid’ no you’re just too smart it’s just you Five 

Aro ace and responds to every romantic dramaTM ever with *aggressive eyerolling*

Breaks like 12 rules every day but never gets caught

It’s hard to get caught by teachers for anything when you can just teleport away from the teacher

The kind of kid who’d skip those god awful assembly talks by sitting in a toilet for an hour but instead he just teleports to the school roof and reads

Probably would pull off my personal ‘fuck the system’ dream of like.. escaping being caught for something by a teacher by running out of the school gates before the teacher could get at him

Ben

Klaus’ brother 

Ace

Parent hc: he and Klaus were adopted by Hazel and Agnes (because this is a fix-it AU and the commission doesn’t exist)

Mostly because you’d need parents with their level of bullshit tolerance to deal with both a. child who sees people who aren’t there b. child with eldritch tentacles coming out of his stomach

It’s okay he only uses the bentacles to like. grab stuff off high shelves

Quiet book kid

Diego’s closet key

Diego

Disaster bi

‘I don’t think that’s how physics works’ levels of good at sports

that’s actually not how physics works but shhhh

Insane baseball pitcher probably

Doesn’t get as many girls as Luther but he’s okay with it

He’s just trying to impress one specific girl

Yeah it’s Eudora

Had a brief crush on Ben and was literally too awkward to say anything so he just sort of sat around suffering for like a year (Ben never notices)

“Oh god he’s cute well guess I’ll die”

Klaus

He’s here and he’s queer

In some musical elective with Vanya

He plays piano

So for performances the boys were supposed to get suits and the girls get gowns but Klaus and Vanya took one look at their outfits, said ‘ew’ and decided to switch

Klaus redesigns the gown with like, 300% more glitter

Biggass crush on Dave, a senior 

Big history nerd but partly because he can use his powers to cheat on history exams

I feel like. Hazel and Agnes would actually figure out that he can actually see dead people cuz ‘hell, our other son can summon lovecraft horrors from another dimension, it’s safe to assume we can just take this stuff at face value at this point’

Figured out Diego’s crush on Ben because at some point he mentioned offhand ‘oh did you know crushes last 11 months on average’ and Diego blurts out ‘thANK GOD’

Vanya

Raised by single mom Grace bc hell yeah Grace

Ben and Klaus’ neighbour which is why they’re really close

G a y

Bonds with Five because ~physics nerds~

It helps that she can use her powers to like.. float to Five’s new hiding spots. Eventually he stops changing them because Vanya always finds him anyway so what’s the point

Violin legend

After she exchanged outfits with Klaus like her Suit Look became an instant hit

Eudora’s closet key

Other stuff

Five Vanya and Ben have this special Spot on the second floor of this old lecture hall in their school where they can sit around and read and talk about ‘nerd’ stuff without being disturbed

(based off personal experience cuz there’s this like lecture hall-ish room in our school with a second floor that nobody uses ever and the door is in this super ominous looking corner behind the library so no student in their right minds would go inside and explore out of curiosity or whatever. its great.)

Klaus would tag along because come on he’s always going where Ben’s going 

After he finds out about Diego’s crush he’d drag Diego along too partly just to watch him Suffer

From then on that place became the Disaster Queers club

Also yes Eudora and Dave’s in this AU

Bi Eudora who used to have a squish on Vanya bc come on her in a suit. badass.

Dave’s a senior who was very much het lagged until he saw Klaus performing and, well, the rest is history

Still very much in the closet afterwards (hc that his family isn’t... vv accepting) until Klaus introduced him to the rest of the Disaster Queers club like ‘cmon we’re all gay here’

Out of all the disasters, Dave was the only one with the guts to confess

He bought this bigass bouquet of flowers and gave them to Klaus after a recital to ask him out

Klaus’ response was to immediately burst into tears

Ben, freaking out: what did you do????!

Dave, confused: ask him out???

[christinaroseandrews]

Part 5

*Crawls out of her weekend writing binge* What do you mean I haven’t finished with this yet?  *Cries* 

This is the last actual post where I sum up the most egregious offenses Faleena Hopkins committed, and then there will be a masterpost linking to all of the posts related to this travesty of a book.

There are a lot of little things that went wrong. Things that would have dropped stars on their own, but nothing I haven’t seen a million times before. Things like bad proofreading, weak heroes and heroines, bad sex scenes, lack of research. Ultimately if those had been the only problems with this book, it would have been rated two or three stars. Mediocre and unmemorable.  Not throw the book across the room worthy. 

This book is.

I’m still angry at it.

And that’s a problem.

So what are the things that on their own make this a one star?

For starters: Sean.

“Wait!” I hear you say, “But you liked Sean. He was your favorite character.” And he was. I’m not about to deny that, but the problem with Sean is several-fold.

His story arc of coming out to his family wasn’t relevant and is part of what made this book Not A Romance.

His POV wasn’t needed and again is part of what made this book Not A Romance.

His being gay was not handled well and featured some very hurtful stereotypes.

Once he was out in the book, his entire character changed. And he became sex-obsessed and attention-whoring. Gone was the empathetic generous man. He became Jack... only Gay. And we all know my feelings about Jack.

I’ll cover points one and two later when I get to the part about how this book wasn’t a romance. 

I wish Sean had been openly gay from the start. Not because we needed another hurtful stereotype of the “Sassy Gay Friend” which BTW we totally got. But because it would have been better than what we did have.  Which to refresh your memory, is this:

So why is this so wrong? Because it contains the following harmful implications:

Queer people must be either completely celibate or...

Queer people must fuck everything that lives.

Never being in love at the ripe old age of 23 is a problem.

Being a virgin at that same age is a problem.

Celibacy is unnatural and wrong.

The first is a huge problem. Currently in the Mormon community, this is the official stance. LBGT+ people must either choose to live a heterosexual life or be completely celibate... no kissing, hugging, or touching of anyone of the same sex. This is leading to a huge rise in Mormon LBGT+ youth in Utah committing suicide because they feel that their families and community won’t love and accept them. There was a whole documentary about it recently on HBO called “Believer.”

The second is a problem because it reinforces the stereotype that all homosexuals are raging sex fiends and unable to be in long term relationships. Or form long term bonds.  It’s one of the excuses used by adoption agencies when denying same-sex couples. And worse, it’s why those in the LBGT+ community were blamed for contracting HIV/AIDS and it was seen as divine retribution for the disease, which can affect anyone.

The third is an issue, because it unreasonably puts pressure on young people to hurry up and find love. Love, real love, not infatuation, can happen at any time. That’s part of how love works. I have friends who didn’t find their first love until they were in their thirties or forties. While I know others who found their someone when they were children (a friend met their now spouse when they were in nursery school - they grew up as friends and eventually fell in love). People should be allowed to look for love at their own pace and when they are ready. Not by some arbitrary due date.

The fourth is a huge issue because of the implication that virginity, especially male virginity, is a problem. This thought is one of many that leads to toxic masculinity and the culture where men are predators and women victims. It leads to young men and boys shooting up their schools and workplaces because they were rejected by a woman and couldn’t deal with the repercussions. This thought, that male virginity is bad, is deadly. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you’re ready to have sex. You don’t owe any partner anything. You don’t owe society anything. Male virgins can be awesome lovers.  I know. I’ve had two myself.

Finally, there is nothing wrong with celibacy. No one owes you sex. If someone doesn’t want to have sex, then they don’t have to. There are even some people out there who find the whole concept of sex off-putting and there is nothing wrong with that. There are victims of abuse who find sex triggering.  Celibacy can be a choice. And if if people are “involuntarily celibate” there is always something called masturbation, and in some places prostitution is legal. No one owes you sex, even if you want it. Period.

It’s really that easy.

The second reason this book would get one star is what is essentially plot-whiplash coupled with an unsatisfying ending. The antagonist doesn’t get his comeuppance and doesn’t actually apologize for what he did. In fact, Jack gets off scot-free because of plot whiplash.

There’s an art to telling a good story. You need to have a good hook early. The longer the story, the more concurrent plots you need juggle. And you need to have a good sense of pacing. Draw things out too long, and your readers will lose interest. Wrap things up too quickly and you leave your audience reeling.  Faleena Hopkins manages to do both. 

She drags out plots that have no reason being strung along for as long as they are. Things like Rue’s parentage.  You told us this in the summary, why does it take you over 6 chapters to get to it in the book?  Or Sean’s sexuality - which really shouldn’t have been central to the overall plot of the book yet somehow took it over (when it’s the last line of the book, that means that is also the core plot, FYI endings matter).

But for the most part, Hopkins suffers from plot-whiplash. AKA moving from plot to plot so fast that your head goes back and forth like you’re at a tennis match.

Seriously, the whole novel takes place in less than a week. It took me going back and making a timeline to realize that no really the whole thing takes place that quickly.

The problem with doing things too quickly is that you don’t give the audience time to process what happened. Crucial details get left out. Continuity gets ignored. The whole thing feels rushed. It’s like the author is afraid that if they doesn’t resolve the subplot or conflict quickly they’ll lose readers.

But here’s the thing. Readers don’t want instant happy endings. They want the happy ending to be earned. And that is true in romance as it is in other genres. If, for instance, Poirot immediately solved the Murder on the Orient Express, the story wouldn’t be nearly as iconic. 

You’d feel cheated.

As Hitchcock said - "There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it."

The same is true in romance. Or any story. It’s the journey that’s important, not the destination. 

Which is why I got so angry when I reached the end. Jack hadn’t gotten a valid redemption arc and he’s still the same awful person that he was at the beginning of the novel. Sean actually got worse and his story ended up overshadowing what was ostensibly the more important of the plots (give him his own book, don’t shoehorn it into what is supposed to be a het romance). The Romance wasn’t really resolved in a positive manner.  And the answer to the overarching plot -- will success ruin Rue Calliwell? - was an overwhelming yes. It may be realistic.... but it’s not satisfying.

The third and biggest reason why this book is deserving of a one-star (I’d give no stars if possible) is because it isn’t a Romance, yet it bills itself as such. I know there’s a lot of problem with Authors miscategorizing their works in order to get that elusive “Bestseller” tag. But this isn’t that.  This is the author falling into the pitfall of “Trying to change romance” and ending up not being a romance at all.

Interestingly, Hopkins does miscategorize her book... but in a weird way.

Her book is not an inspirational romance. That category is reserved for “wholesome, faith-filled stories that enrich the lives of readers” - that definition is straight from Harlequin. That means no sex. No swearing. And lots of references to religion (it can be any religion but Christianity is most likely).  This is why there are a lot of reviews angry about the sex and the language.

So how did I come to the conclusion that this wasn’t a romance?

To make sure we’re all on the same page, here’s RWA’s definition of Romance.

1. The over-arching plot.

The plot of the story is pretty much spelled out in the summary. “How will fame and fortune change Rue Calliwell as well as how will she handle finding out about the family she never knew she had?”

The romance is secondary. It’s part of how she handles fame, fortune, and her family. Her brother puts his best friend up to seducing her (amusingly I wrote a fanfic with this EXACT plot 14 years ago). The brother is testing his new sibling. The fact that his BFF and sister fall in lust is a side-effect. Not the main plot.

In order for this to be a romance, the characters falling in love and making the relationship work has to be the main focus. And in this book, it just isn’t.

2. The Points of View.

The book is 52 chapters long. Jack, the antagonist brother, has 8 POV chapters. Sean, the sympathetic brother, has 7 POV chapters. Alec, the love interest, has 7 POV chapters. While the rest are in Rue’s POV.   What does that indicate?

Well, that the author considered the brothers equally or more important than the love interest. We don’t even meet Alec until page 60-something out of 300 pages. That’s waaaaaay too long for a romance novel.  The love interest needs to be introduced quickly. Not a fifth of the way through the book.

3. The “I Love You’s”

You know there’s something wrong with a romance novel when the heroine says “I love you” to all of the other main characters other than love interest. Rue says “I love you” to Jenna. To Sean. To Jack. But not to Alec. Nor does he say it to her. 

4. No actual relationship.

The story between Alec and Rue is a pure Lust and Erotica story. It’s a story of obsession. Of possession. The characters don’t talk. They don’t date. They just engage in tonsil hockey and longing looks.

And the way it’s written is about as sexy as that gif.

The thing is, there is a relationship story in this book. But it’s between Rue and her brothers. In fact, everything with Alec can be seen as supporting that story, not the other way around.

5. The ending.

Again the ending needs to be emotionally satisfying and optimistic. To her credit, she kind of gets the optimistic. Rue and Alec are going to try to make things work on a long term basis and he’s going to go public about liking her.

Sounds good, right?

Except that’s not the actual ending of the book. The ending of the book focuses on the siblings and nothing is resolved there. I was left going “is that it?”

I wasn’t satisfied. I wasn’t happy.

I was angry.

Each of those things would make this book ranked one star.  (So would the fact that stalking is portrayed as romantic, but I’ve gone into that before so I don’t need to go into it here.)

So it should come as no surprise that this book gets:

One star

You can read the hot mess for FREE here.

If you’re enjoying these reviews, you can buy us a kofi.

[qqueenofhades]

PLEASE gift me with the flogan smut. Flynn: Ok bud, let me tell you exactly how you screwed this whole thing up. Wyatt [not even kind of quietly]: Screw. You. Flynn: Not right now thanks but come by my room later [winks] Wyatt: [suddenly rethinking every decision he’s ever made because there’s no reason he should have found that wink so hot]

ahahhaha.

set post-2x07 after a presumable mission full of snark, wyatt getting served gallon jugs of tea by flynn and lucy, and general confusion and frustration and jealousy over their super totally not romantic night together. also tagging @extasiswings because obviously i am, and @sharkflip because imma ease them nice and slow straight into the trashcan.

Wyatt Logan has not had a good day.

In fact, it would be difficult to think when he’s had a worse one, all things considered. It started out with seeing Lucy leaving Flynn’s room this morning with the most satisfied of smiles, which Wyatt frankly did not know for sure meant satisfied or satisfied, but was jealous enough to order Flynn to stay the hell away from her. That was his first mistake, because Flynn has been doing the verbal equivalent of bitchslapping him with a dead fish all day long, and Wyatt (you know, he thinks bitterly, maybe this should not fucking surprise him) keeps walking right into them. Flynn has missed absolutely no opportunity to hit him between the eyes with pointed remarks about Jessica, about Lucy, about what Wyatt does and does not have any right to be jealous about, and to make things worse, Lucy’s been tagging in. You’d barely notice there was a trip to 1919, a police riot, a kidnapped suffragette, and everything else in there. Once they landed the Lifeboat back home, Rufus stalked off in one direction, Flynn and Lucy stalked off in another, and Wyatt, well, Wyatt…

(He’s fairly sure there might not be enough alcohol even in this bunker to make him feel better, but damn if he isn’t going to find out.)

He’s moody and snappish and doesn’t want to go bait at Jessica. He also doesn’t want to go anywhere he might have to see Flynn and Lucy playing footsie (or, you know, not playing footsie). Rufus is thoroughly sick of this avalanche of romantic nonsense from white people with communication problems, and has gone to commiserate with Jiya. That leaves Wyatt to find the most out-of-the-way corner of the bunker he can, the most readily available kind of alcohol, and a plan not to emerge unless to get more.

He’s sat there for a while, sipping steadily, when a shadow wavers on the floor, he hears footsteps, and someone comes around the corner. Of course, it is the person that, of everyone he is crammed into this sardine can with, Wyatt wants to see the absolutely goddamn least, and he gets to his feet fast enough to nearly knock over the beer. “What, think of a few more witty cracks you didn’t get off last time?”

Flynn looks surprised enough that it’s possible he didn’t realize Wyatt was there, and hasn’t in fact returned to play with his food, but of course, he recovers in an instant. “Witty? No, I don’t waste the witty ones on you, Logan.”

“Great.” Wyatt raises his eyes to the ceiling. “Look, just – just go off and – whatever. With Rufus and Lucy.” He can’t quite get – won’t get – his tongue around the fear that Flynn has replaced him, that now he’s bonding with Rufus and he’s whatever with Lucy, they don’t need Wyatt anymore. He’s just a man who loved his wife too much, who got a gift that no one in the history of the world ever does, and has managed to comprehensively make a mess of it. He’s angry and he’s hurt and he’s relieved and heartbroken and it’s all too much. If Flynn is here to jab at his sore spots some more, he’s half-afraid he’ll no longer have the strength to fight back, might just break, and that’s the worst of all.

Flynn raises an eyebrow. “Wasn’t I supposed to stay the hell away from them?”

“Shut up.” Wyatt turns on a heel, only to discover that drinking on an empty stomach has started to kick in, and he’s not completely steady on his feet. “Look, you’ve won, okay? And you’re right. About earlier. There, I said it. Now piss off and leave me alone.”

“I’m going to need you to repeat that, Wyatt.” Trust Garcia Fucking Flynn to be a) utterly relentless, and b) a totally graceless winner. “That you fucked it up and that I was right.”

“Screw you!” Wyatt bursts out savagely. “SCREW YOU! Why won’t you just – ”

Flynn stares him dead in the eye and does the tongue thing that, frankly, he should just not. “Oh? Well, I know you know where my room is, after you were lurking outside it earlier to ambush Lucy. You’re welcome to stop by too.”

That, to say the least, is not the response Wyatt was waiting for. He feels as if he’s run into a rope at neck level and been clotheslined to the ground (which is his usual state of being when dealing with this tall son of a bitch, unfortunately). He opens his mouth very wide. Nothing comes out except a faint sputtering noise. Finally he manages, “That’s not what I meant.”

“Isn’t it?” Flynn takes a step. “You’ve been very concerned about what’s going on inside it. You’re welcome to make a more personal inspection.”

“I – “ Wyatt raises a hand to push Flynn away, which misses his arm by a solid six inches. God, he feels like that fifteen-year-old kid who weighed a hundred and thirty soaking wet, before he filled out in the latter two years of high school. Sees Michael Young’s eyes gleaming at him under the bleachers, tastes the cheap beer on his tongue, I’m dead if Dad finds out, wondering if his father could see it on his face, Wayne Logan don’t raise no queers. His heart is hammering. He wants to hit Flynn, that’s what he wants. His fist clenches in anticipation.

Flynn looks down at him slowly and thoroughly, taking note of his (to say the least) frazzled state. A smirk curls up the edges of his mouth. “This,” he remarks. “This is just a tragedy.”

“Shut. Up.” Wyatt makes a good fist this time, makes both, and pushes Flynn hard in the shoulders. He doesn’t even budge. “Get away from me, you dick. Go away and torment someone else.”

Flynn does the tongue thing again, far more deliberately. Their faces are not that far apart in the dimness, and Wyatt’s pulse sounds like a jackhammer in his ears. “It’s more fun tormenting you.”

“I hate you.” Wyatt shoves him again (it’s definitely a shove, he doesn’t half-grab Flynn’s shirt or anything stupid like that, so he’s not sure how he ends up holding onto it). This time, he actually makes Flynn move, knocks him off balance a little, feels a searing thrill of entirely undeserved victory. They shift, grapple around on each other, and Wyatt loses his balance. Falls back heavily into the wall, pulling Flynn with him, and –

The next instant, Flynn’s hands come up to catch behind Wyatt’s head, Wyatt is jerking him down with both of his own, and they almost break each other’s noses. It’s not a kiss so much as a shared open-mouthed snarl, teeth scraping and tongues jabbing and warfare waged between their lips, as Flynn hoists Wyatt up further against the wall and pins him there as if in the prelude to slamming him (in one way or another). Wyatt is absolutely sure he does not want to be doing this, should never have done this, will regret ever having done it, and yet he is completely unable to stop. Flynn’s mouth is hot and strong and totally relentless, and at least while Wyatt is occupying it, it cannot be used for more annoying remarks, which is some sort of a win. It burns like fire and it’s a good way to be angry at him and god. God.

(Does Flynn kiss Lucy like this, Wyatt wonders? Domineering and brutal and devouring? Or does he kiss her as gently as spring rain, and melt like a snowflake under her touch?)

(Wyatt doesn’t care. Either way, he hates it. And definitely not because he’s half-imagining what it might be like to be in the middle of that.)

There’s nothing but hisses and grunts and gasps for another several moments, neither of them seemingly willing or able to pull away (because, you know, that might mean the other won, and they can’t have that). Then there’s another noise from the head of the hallway, this one totally exasperated in nature, and they drag their faces away to see Denise Christopher standing there with a look on her own that really, she deserves to have. After all this drama about who is kissing and/or sleeping with who, after the Time Team have been a bunch of horny teenagers in every apparent combination, after she is the only one abiding by the no-getting-laid, we-gotta-save-the-world stuff, after Wyatt and Flynn have been two of the biggest offenders in this department –

Denise stares at them with an I don’t know what I expected sort of look, and shakes her head. Then she very deliberately turns away, clearly doing her best to scrub that image from her brain, and vanishes around the corner. A distinct whiff of judgment lingers behind her.

Slowly, Flynn puts Wyatt down, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, breath knocked out but arrogance undimmed. “Well,” he says, low and rasping. “I’ll leave you to get on with your evening, then.”

With that, he saunters away around the corner (in the opposite direction from Denise), leaving Wyatt sagged against the wall, sweating profusely, and trying desperately to will away the most inconvenient and unwanted boner since the one he had in ninth grade for Ms. Taylor the hot math teacher. He wipes his mouth once and then again. It still feels burned and bruised and seared. It’s hard to imagine it fading soon. Or, in fact, at all.

God, he hates that guy.

[bootycallreverie]

Twelve Days in America - Part 1

(Photo credit: jacob_cherry via djlisafrank; original post here)

I can’t easily summarize everything I saw, did and experienced over the past bit in the United States. Any attempt won’t do my memories the justice they deserve, but I want to commit a few thoughts to posterity while they’re fresh in my mind.

On August 15, I flew to Philadelphia with my pal Aeryn to meet our friend Ethan and drive all together to the Honcho Summer Campout - an underground queer techno gathering located on a private campground in Artemas, Pennsylvania. I had been to Honcho’s regular event in Pittsburgh last August and was impressed by what they had created: a dance floor space where, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I could finally be my true self again. Based on that experience, and though I had never slept in a tent before, I knew I needed to make it out to the Campout this summer.

I have suffered from crippling self-doubt for a very long time. This has manifested itself in different ways, with a particular impact on my body image, though also on my career prospects, social relations, approaches towards sex and general mental state. The feeling of liberation at Honcho in Pittsburgh was something I hoped I’d find again, primarily as a balm to soothe the aches of what has so far been a challenging and frustrating year.

I was not expecting to be gently pulled apart, rearranged and healed over four days of immersion in (virtually) unadulterated queerness, faggotry, community and love. From the second we arrived on the grounds, I felt like we were in actual heaven; our first taste of it was driving down a muddy path to our campsite against a stream of hundreds of beautiful queers in revealing swimsuits (or less) walking toward a riverside swimming hole to cool off from stagnant summer air. Despite a weekend of rain and mud, things would only improve to levels of nearly unimaginable satisfaction.

(Photo credit: Ethan Fontneau via _troxum_ original post here)

Lots happened over the four days at the campground, much too much to write here. Every single moment had worth. Every single moment built upon the last one. The people I met inspired me to do more with myself, but more importantly, the folks at Honcho helped me realize a concept of self-love that I had never before known possible.

There are a few salient memories I will share here:

On the first day, I ran into someone I have known for a while from whom I’ve often sought validation but never received it. This time, beyond exchanging pleasantries, I found absolutely no need to pursue his attention further.

[K], a handsome man I did not think would be attracted to me but proved otherwise, invited me to jump into a muddy patch in the swimming hole with him. Even though I ruined my new speedo, I’m glad I did.

Over dinner on the second day, I met [Jo], who remarked that “…in America, people find an excuse to say no. In Spain, people find an excuse to say yes.”

I met [A] through a happy case of mistaken identity. We could not keep our hands off of each other. This absolutely beautiful man confessed to me that he had been afraid at first to approach me because he was convinced that “a guy like you would never be interested in a guy like me.” Later on, he told me to look around at the magic in the forest under the stars and drink it up, because none of it was fantasy - all of it was very real. As we fucked with passion in a tent, he looked into my eyes and said to me that “even though we just met, I am not afraid to tell you I love you, because my love is here to set you free, not bind you.”

I’m not entirely sure how I first crossed paths with [C], but we had an instant connection. We loved each other deeply for a few special hours. I can’t forget looking into the eyes of this beautiful gentle giant and thinking that I am not merely capable of love, but also that I’m worthy of love too, and how rare and special it is to meet someone that makes silence perfectly comfortable and familiar.

I asked [Ja], this charming Southern muscle daddy type if I could bum a cigarette from him outside one of the dancefloor venues. He didn’t have any, but with a mischievous grin, he said “let’s go find you one.” Before I knew it, we were fucking like animals in a clearing. I couldn’t help but think to myself that this was what I had been born to do: pursue what I wanted instead of merely accepting what came to me passively.

[E] was a fleeting encounter on the dance floor. This beautiful man with a smile from ear to ear came up to me to say “I hope I can get my hands on you later; I’ve had my eyes on you all weekend.”

[B] joined me as I sat on a bench overlooking the river in the morning rays. He remarked that he liked my hex tattoos and pulled his phone out to take a picture of them. As he looked at the image he had just captured, he nodded quietly in approval of his own work: “…ha,” he said, “…that’s hot.” It was one of the most empowering things I’d ever heard.

(Photo credit: bryantherye; original post here)

[D] is a DJ I met from DC. On the last night, I mentioned I was also a DJ, though not at any comparable level to him or anyone playing at the Campout. Despite this, he wanted to stay up late talking about our favourite disco artists, with each new offering from one eliciting squeals of approval from the other. I realized eventually that [D]’s approval of my choices were genuine. He legitimately liked my taste and said we should stay in touch to collaborate in the future.

At sunrise on the Monday, I was seated in a gentle, chill-out cuddle puddle that had slowly become more carnal. As time went on, I found myself mounting [K] and gently fucking him as a small group watched, including his beautiful boyfriend. As I reached climax, it dawned on me that I was entirely sober. My behaviour had not been influenced by intoxicating substances; my desire and my drive were innate to me. I had identified what I wanted, and with respect for the needs and wants of others, I took it.

As Monday’s sunrise developed into full-on morning, I walked home to my own tent to make a pitiful attempt at sleep before we had to pack up. On the path back, me with my overalls carelessly undone and slung perilously on my hips, I crossed paths with another man who had obviously just engaged in an act of sexual pleasure. With knowing smiles, we looked at each other in the eyes and happily exchanged a friendly “good morning.” 

On the drive back to Philadelphia, I reflected on the quality of the crewmembers that had assembled quasi-spontaneously around this trip: Ethan, Aeryn and our new friend Christopher, whom we met at camp. We all had plenty to offer each other - laughs, snacks, spare hands, tales, costume accoutrements, shoulders to cry on when needed - but most importantly, we were all there for each other no matter what. No shame, no jealousy, no expectations on anyone else’s time…simply a bond of friendship and unity founded in a genuine desire for us to all thrive. In a lot of ways, it was a taste of queer brotherhood that I have sought after for years.

I still have a lot to process, including how I apply this newfound empowerment and self-love into my everyday life here in Toronto. I’m not entirely sure how that will happen, but based on the way I’ve felt over the past days, I know I am largely equipped to make my dreams come true.

Forgiveness is hard, especially when you’re trying to forgive yourself. The first photo in this post does not do justice to what I felt when I saw it on a crowded dancefloor under the gentle haze of happy intoxication. I was forgiven for all the times I’d descended into self-hatred, all the times I believed what my mother had told me, all the times I’d been set up to fail by my ex-boss, all the times an ex-lover had made me out to be a horrible person.  To know that I was finally home, with my people - that I had a people - has made me rethink my place in the world. These precious days have given me hope in a bright future for myself…a much brighter future than I ever thought I deserved.

[mxlfoydraco]

Queer Book Recs

Are you as frustrated with fandoms as i am? I got you! Here are some queer books i’ve read recently, and more under my book recs tag. This list is too long already, so i’ll put in summaries instead of my own comments.

Broken by Nikola Haken When Theodore Davenport decides to switch his mundane job for a career, he walks into Holden House Publishing with enthusiasm and determination to succeed. As he settles into his new role, makes new friends, and dreams of making it to the top, everything is going to plan. Until he meets James Holden, CEO of Holden House. James Holden hasn’t been able to stop thinking about his encounter with the timid man he met in a club bathroom last week, and when he discovers the one haunting his dreams is an employee, he can’t seem to stop himself from pursuing him. Just a little fun - that’s what James tells himself. He can’t afford to care for someone who can never reciprocate, not once they find out who he really is. James believes nobody deserves the burden of being attached to him. He’s a complicated man. Damaged. Difficult. Demanding. Broken. Is Theodore strong enough to confront James’ demons? More importantly, is James? Please note:This book contains scenes of self harm, mental illness and suicidal ideation which may be uncomfortable for some readers.

The Rules by Jamie Fessenden When Hans Bauer, a college student in New Hampshire, accepts a job as a housekeeper for an older gay couple, he soon learns the reason they've hired someone with no experience is that professional agencies won't work there. Thomas is a successful businessman whose biggest goal in life appears to be giving his husband anything he wants. Boris is a writer who immigrated to this country from Russia, and suffers from depression and PTSD because of the things he endured in his native country. He also refuses to wear clothes—ever. While Hans is working alone in the house with Naked Boris all day, things start getting a little weird. Boris gets flirtatious and Hans backs away, not wanting to come between him and his husband. So Boris calls Thomas at work and asks permission. At that moment, The Rules are born—rules about touching and kissing and pet names that the three men use to keep jealousies at bay, as they explore the possibilities in a new type of relationship.... WARNING: This story deals with themes of sexual assault and past abuse. The Law of Attraction by Jay Northcote When a professional relationship turns personal, it’s impossible to resist the law of attraction. Alec Rowland is a high-flying lawyer in a London firm whose career is his life. He doesn’t have time for relationships and his sexuality is a closely guarded secret. After picking up a cute guy on a Friday night, Alec’s world is rocked to its foundations when his one night stand shows up in the office on Monday morning—as the new temp on his team. Ed Piper is desperate to prove himself in his new job. The last thing he needs is to be distracted by a crush on his boss. It’s hard to ignore the attraction he feels, even though Alec’s a difficult bastard to work for. Both men strive to maintain a professional relationship, but tempers fray, passions ignite, and soon they’re both falling hard and fast. If they’re ever going to find a way to be together, Alec needs to be honest about who he really is because Ed won’t go back in the closet for anyone.

The Half Wolf by Jay Northcote Mate, family, pack, home… can Quinn and Kellan have it all? Quinn grew up feeling out of place in the small town he calls home. Yearning for something he can’t name, he’s always felt different but never known why. Kellan is part of a nomadic shifter pack. When they set up camp in the woods near Quinn’s town, the humans are unwelcoming and suspicious of the newcomers. The moment Kellan catches sight—and scent—of Quinn, he knows Quinn is special. But for the first time in his life, Kellan can’t trust his instincts. Quinn is human, and Kellan is a wolf shifter, so how can they ever be mates? Their bond is instant and exhilarating. It breaks Quinn’s heart to know their relationship can only be temporary. Love isn’t enough when pack law forbids shifters to mate with humans. Tension explodes between pack and humans, and when Quinn discovers a shocking truth about himself that changes everything, he fears he’ll have to choose between the only life he’s ever known and the man he loves. 

Step by Step by K.C. Wells Jamie’s life is one big financial mess, and it really isn’t his fault. However, the last thing he expected to find in the library was a Good Samaritan. He might have been suspicious of Guy’s motives at first, but it soon becomes apparent that his savior is a good man who has been lucky in life and is looking to pay it forward. Guy being gay is not a problem. Jamie’s not interested… or so he thinks. Guy is happy to help Jamie, and the two men get along fine. But when Jamie’s curiosity leads him from one thing to another, Guy finds himself looking at the young man with new eyes. What started out as a hand up is now something completely different…. His Convenient Husband by Robin Covington  NFL football player Isaiah Blackwell lost his husband three years ago and is raising their teen son alone. He lives his life as quietly as his job allows, playing ball to support his family but trying not to draw unwanted attention. His quiet life is shaken up when a mutual friend introduces him to Victor, a visiting principal ballet dancer who is everything Isaiah is not. Brash and loud, Victor Aleksandrov has applied for political asylum to avoid returning to Russia, where gay men are targeted and persecuted. He’s been outspoken about gay rights in his home country, and if he doesn’t get asylum, going back to Russia is a death sentence. Their one-night stand turns into a tentative friendship, a relationship they both agree is temporary... until Victor’s denied asylum. Isaiah can’t offer Victor a happily ever after, but he can propose something that’ll keep Victor in the US and safe... marriage He just doesn’t expect his new husband to dance away with his heart. Finding Home by Garrett Leigh How do you find a home when your heart is in ashes? With their mum dead and their father on remand for her murder, Leo Hendry and his little sister, Lila, have nothing in the world but each other. Broken and burned, they’re thrust into the foster care system. Leo shields Lila from the fake families and forced affection, until the Poulton household is the only place left to go. Charlie de Sousa is used to other kids passing through the Poulton home, but there’s never been anyone like his new foster brother. Leo’s physical injuries are plain to see, but it’s the pain in his eyes that draws Charlie in the most. Day by day, they grow closer, but the darkness inside Leo consumes him. He rejects his foster parents, and when Charlie gets into trouble, Leo’s attempt to protect him turns violent. When Leo loses control, no one can reach him—except Charlie. He desperately needs a family—a home—and only Charlie can show him the way. Long Macchiatos and Monsters by Allison Evans Jalen, lover of B-grade sci-fi movies, meets the far-too-handsome P in a cafe while deciding whether or not to skip uni again. When P invites them along to a double feature of Robot Monster and Cat Women of the Moon, Jalen can hardly believe that hot boys like bad sci-fi, too. But as their relationship progresses, Jalen realizes P leaves him wondering if they're on the same page about what dating means, and if that's what they're doing. [NB protag!] Dirty Mind by Roe Horvat Alexander Popescu is a university lecturer in a quiet German town. He’s a respectable man in his thirties who stays fit, has a decent career and travels alone—his only vice is an occasional greasy meal. And beer. And violent computer games. Nobody has to know about the other Alex—the acclaimed porn writer. His ingenious erotic fantasies earn him good money and keep his capricious mind harmlessly entertained. When his young friend and protégé Christian transfers to Freiburg for medical school, Alex is overjoyed…and terrified that Christian will find out about Alex’s indecent alter ego. The time they spend together, as lovely as it is, could overturn Alex’s carefully balanced life. Suddenly, the writing is not good enough, his hair seems to be thinning, his careful hookups leave him unfulfilled, and his dreams are haunted by the innocent young man he’s vowed to protect. However, Christian is not a boy anymore. He’s a grown man of twenty-one, clever and deadly attractive. And he’s hiding some secrets of his own.

[julietravelsnearandfar-blog]

Queer & Engaged

A Power Tug between the Wedding Industry and my Heart

A little over 6 months ago, Meagan and I got engaged. Amidst this beautiful and joy-filled change in our relationship, I couldn’t shake the feeling that perhaps we weren’t doing things the way they were supposed to be done.

I grew up in the same society that so many people did. One that makes it seem like girls spend their whole lives dreaming of their weddings. I went to only heterosexual couple’s weddings for my entire life as well. My frame of reference is nothing but men marrying women. Women marrying men. There are benchmarks and norms, and I found myself faced with the excitement of wedding planning but the fear of an absolutely blank slate--nothing to compare it to. I began to internally worry--despite my excitement around all the decisions and choices we were making--that this path isn’t one well-paved.

I have no problem walking paths that are less-traveled. But the reality is that sometimes those paths remind me that I have my own triggers, and not having to deal with those all of the time allows you to let your guard down. It reminds me of the fact that choosing to come out of the closet is extremely liberating AND absolutely terrifying. And holding both of those feelings in tension with one another can be exhausting; it forces you to confront both the best parts of the world around you and some of the worst.

Almost every week in my job, I talk to clients that I work with about the triggers that they face. And it wasn’t until there was an incident at work--surrounding LGBTQ+ identifying individuals and discrimination--that I recognized a trigger of mine. I didn’t even know that I was being triggered and it allowed me to expand my understanding of microaggressions and of triggers; I dragged that baggage back to my personal life, and as I slowly unpacked it, began to recognize some of the things that Meagan and I had seen over the last 6 months. I began to see them through the lens I had been wearing of perhaps-they-didn’t-mean-it-but-it-still-hurt. Those things that people say but don’t realize might be hurtful. 

I began to see the wedding industry--so much of it that I had encountered--as a quiet protest to me speaking; it was a push that suggested it would be best that I keep quiet. That it’s best that I not be seen. Even though so much of what I encountered was the well-intentioned, foot-in-mouth, generally caring and compassionate people who are happy to get my business regardless of my sexual orientation. Yet some made it more obvious than others.

It’s Utah, for lawd’s sake, and we did not expect to encounter all-accepting people. Hell, we won’t encounter all-accepting people even in the most liberal of places, but it’s the confusion sometimes around what is “supposed to be.” That is what gets people--and myself--relatively caught up.

There were so many questions that people asked me that I didn’t have answers to, or that made me feel like even when I did have an answer it wasn’t the right one. There were so many forms at the venues we went to asked for “Bride’s name” and “Groom’s name.” In both an act of defiance and an act of confusion, I found myself crossing off “Groom” and putting “2nd Bride” above it. But I worried that people would judge us if they didn’t have the foresight to put couple’s names instead.

There were so many people who asked which one of us proposed--and we were left with letting them know that neither of us did because we decided mutually that we wanted to be engaged. 

There were so many people who assumed one of us would wear a suit, or asked how the ceremony “would work” since we weren’t a traditional couple. 

There were so many people who--when we went to the Bridal expo here in Utah--asked us if our grooms would have input, asked ‘which one of us’ was the bride, some who were literally left speechless for a couple of minutes when we said that we were both the brides and we were marrying each other.

There were so many questions that I didn’t know how to answer when asked, but the more I looked back, the more I realized that perhaps the questions themselves were what was wrong, not the fact that I didn’t have answers.

The wedding industry is structured for the traditional couples, namely the heterosexual ones. For straight people marrying other straight people, they don’t have to think twice when they contact a wedding vendor whether or not that vendor will say no to them purchasing their goods or services. They don’t have to figure out which name to put on which line for the forms, and they aren’t being asked ‘which one is the bride’ when they walk through a bridal expo. They don’t have to worry about rendering people speechless when they introduce their fiancée. They don’t really even have to think twice about the normalcy of anything around wedding or marriage, and that’s something that when I got engaged I became faced with almost immediately.

The reality is that the choice for Meagan and I to get married was easier than deciding what we want to eat for dinner. But the choices we’ve had to make since the engagement have felt harder not because we’re indecisive, but because the industry is structured in a way that we have to feel like our choices aren’t right simply because we’re queer. Like our ideas for our ceremony, or my ideas of marriage aren’t right. In so many ways, it triggers me and sends me back to my initial feelings upon coming out to myself. Those times when I wondered if there was something wrong with me--and wondered if perhaps God had made a mistake with me. The times when I chose to remain quiet so that I could ignore who I felt like I should be. The times when I didn’t correct people when they asked questions that didn’t allow me to answer. The times before I realized that my sexuality was a beautiful gift that the God I believe in had given me. The times before I could look in the mirror and be thankful for who I am. Before I could look into my life and be thankful for the call I have received--to be myself and to speak in that.

But I’m beyond those times. I AM thankful for the call I’ve received, and I do speak--I speak more than even I’m comfortable with sometimes still. I am confident in this person that I see in the mirror now. I am passionately in love with my fiancée who just happens to be a woman as well as my best friend. I am so proud of who she and I have become, and who we are together as a couple. And I am reminded that the wedding industry doesn’t get to decide whether or not my existence, my relationship, my engagement is valid. The wedding industry doesn’t get to have power over, and so that means I will be taking my personal power back.

But amidst these tugs of power over the last six months, there have been really beautiful moments too. My godfather met Meagan at a family wedding we attended this summer and he commented on how happy he could tell I was. He talked about when my mom told him about me and Meagan, and he said that it didn’t change a thing for he and my godmother. They have always just wanted me to be happy. And he said if they still traveled long distances, they’d be at our wedding in a heartbeat. Much of my extended family met Meagan and didn’t skip a beat in welcoming her in, teasing her, and making her feel like part of the family.

Some of the venues we looked at had lines for ‘partners’ instead of brides and grooms. Some of them pulled out books with photos of all of the same-sex couples that had gotten married at their venues. There were so many people that we encountered that did not bat an eye when I introduced my fiancée as Meagan, as a woman, as the person I love the most in the world. So many people celebrated with us, and that has not gone unnoticed either.

Meagan and I were having our engagement pictures taken by our wonderful photographer last weekend and she had us kiss for a few of the pictures. She had been cracking jokes and making us feel comfortable and giddy as hell for basically the entire shoot. The photographer had given me no reason to think that she had any issues with Meagan and I as a couple. As we kissed, she cracked some joke about how she hadn’t told us to stop, and I believe--at one point--said “ew!” in a joking way. She said it and my stomach immediately tied itself into a knot. Despite my love for my partner, public display of affection is something we keep in check when we’re out and about because that’s not a power tug that we’re up for most of the time. 

But our photographer said that and for that split-second, my stomach knotted itself up. All of the times I had worried about someone having an issue with me and Meagan came rushing into that tightness in my stomach. But not unlike the moment I chose to come out of the closet (hell, every time I make that choice still), I loosened that knot and took the leap. That leap into the beautiful instant where I realized that she was kidding. That our gender-identity didn’t matter to her, and that she was just trying to make us laugh. And in that moment, I took a deep breath and I fell into a trust for what is to come, a hope for the woman I am proud to be, and a dream for not needing all of this armor someday.

So amidst the tugs of power, the beautiful moments, and the tension of both bliss and society’s confusion around being engaged, I am growing more into who I am and what Meagan and I’s relationship means.

“The nature of marriage is that, through its enduring bond, two persons together can find other freedoms, such as expression, intimacy, and spirituality. This is true for all persons, whatever their sexual orientation…There is dignity in the bond between two men or two women who seek to marry and in their autonomy to make such profound choices.” 

--2015 Supreme Court marriage decision, Kennedy

photo by Kayla Bertagnolli Photography